How to make a Spider-Man movie better than "The Dark Knight"

Hollywood is retarded.

I'm sure all of you know that by now. And I've never really complained about it until this moment. This moment being the time that one of my favorite creative properties of all time is in heavy risk of being dejected to the sub-par quality of other cliched licenses, and quite frankly, I would die before I see a Spider-Man movie get the Twilight treatment.

So today, I would like to set aside the bitching though, and actually propose a loose solution to the Spidey enigma. I'm going to layout the groundwork to what potentially may be a fine quality Spider-Man movie.

"The Amazing Spider-Man, A James Cameron film..."

Anyways, enough of the fluff, let's get right to it:

1. Skip the Origin, Get to The Point

'The Incredible Hulk" wasn't a good movie, it wasn't a terrible movie either. All in all, it was very forgettable, but it did do one thing pretty right. It rightfully rebooted the universe by condensing the origin story into a five-minute credit sequence. If done right, the same formula could be easily applicable to our friendly-neighborhood wall crawler. It needs to be stylized though in a sense it would give the viewer a very clear and specific understanding that this is the Spider-Man universe we're dealing with. An excellent example of this would be the opening credits of "Watchmen," which by far is probably the most engaging opening credits I've ever seen on the silver screen.

2. Draw from more Spider-Man stories, not just the ones written by Stan Lee or Brian Michael Bendis

Not that there's anything wrong with those guys, as they did give us the best Spider-Man stories ever.

But here's the deal,

One of the many key reasons 'The Dark Knight" worked was that it didn't just draw from Bob Kane's stuff or Frank Miller's, both Chris and Jonathan Nolan looked deep into the Caped Crusader's bibliography and drew from the best, one notable story being "The Long Halloween" by Jeph Loeb. Now Spider-Man also has a very, very extensive bibliography. "Kraven's Last Hunt" and the Sin Eater story line would work great as action and suspense movies respectively. But if you want to beat "The Dark Knight," action may just not be enough. One would have to reach deep and find the stories that would define ol' webhead the most.

For me, the most logical way to approach the story of a potential Spider-Man reboot is to make a standalone feature that would combine the stories of The Death of Gwen Stacy and "Spider-Man: Blue."

For those of you not in the know, "Spider-Man: Blue" is written by Jeph Loeb (same dude who wrote "Batman: The Long Halloween") and it starts off with a slightly older Peter Parker chronicling how he first fell in love with Gwen Stacy while at the same time facing Kraven: The Hunter and the Sinister Six. Now, many people have been vocal about how they don't want Spidey back in high school, and the studios have been pretty vocal about how they want Spidey back in high school. I think that my little plan could be fool-proof in the sense that it would satisfly the fans since the movie would begin and end with Peter being older, and it would satisfy the studios since the movie would potentially take place in high school most of the time. But the real draw is that, by replacing the silly sinister six story with The Green Goblin being up to no good and kidnapping Gwen Stacy, eventually leading to her demise, this would create drama that would elevate the current idea of Spider-Man movies into something more. Plus, if executed right, this story will bring fans to tears, as they would see the most beloved Spider-Man story done well on the silver screen. The movie will be successful on that note alone. This story may sound a little melodramatic on page, but trust me kids, this can be the good kind of drama very easily.

It's the kind of drama that wins prestigious awards. It's the kind of drama that kicks "The Dark Knight" square in the ass.

3. Getting the right director

So, let's get down what we have so far, we have a solution to the origin problem, we have a very solid idea for a good story, now let's get a very solid director.

But before we proceed, if a genie were to somehow magically appear before me right now and were to offer me a completely unrealistic option to ideally choose who should direct my Spider-Man movie idea, I'd say early eighties Steven Spielberg would be the absolute perfect choice. Only early eighties Spielberg would be able to perfectly mix heart, drama, and action into something truly amazing.

Unfortunately, genies don't exist nor do miracles.

Since early eighties Spielberg has been missing since "Temple of Doom," we have to find a more contemporary suitor to our budding project. Those who haven't been reading the news will be mildly shocked to know that Marc Webb, who most recently directed "500 days of summer" and a slew of Green Day music videos has been tapped by the gestapos at sony to direct the Spider-Man reboot.

Okay. That's cool. But here's the deal, I've seen "500 days" and it's a really good mainstream indie movie, much better than Juno, and his music videos are very entertaining but Spidey needs more than just a guy who can make Zooey Deschanel into a heartless bitch. Spidey needs an auteur, someone with a specific vision, someone who's passionate about the source material, someone who would understand what makes Spider-Man amazing.

James Cameron would be great, but I want a Spider-Man movie within the next 5 years, not the next 20. Plus, environmentalist messages and blue people sexing don't exactly jive with the wall-crawler.

Wes Anderson would make all the swinging sequences all stop-motiony and the rest of the movie would be slow-motion long takes of Peter Parker smoking a cigarette as "Heroes" by David Bowie plays in the background.

Quentin Tarentino would have him fight nazis with a samurai sword and an afro as he talks about why "Game of Death" is the most important kung-fu movie ever committed to film.

Kevin Smith would have him talk with Harry Osbourne about how MJ sucked nine dicks and how his asshole can shoot out webbing as he hangs upside-down at the Quick Stop, which by the way would be all achieved using a single Upper-Medium shot.

Yup. None of those directors would work.

Plus safe choices such as Alfonso Cuaron or Guillermo Del Toro, two directors who know fantasy action like the back of their hand, are definitely capable of making an awesome Spider-Man movie. Thing is, a director needs to be a little gutsy with the source material, and both Del Toro and Cuaron would opt for something a little bit more traditional.

The hypothetical treatment I made up earlier is gutsy in the sense it doesn't start with Spidey fighting Electro or Spidey swinging as he talks about life. No, it starts off with Peter Parker in his room talking to a tape recorder, as he refers to the tape recorder as his dead girlfriend.

The only person I can think of, the only person who I know can effectively balance fantasy and the cold truth of life, the only person who can make the "Peter Parker talking to a tape recorder" situation feel honest and right is....

Spike Jonze.

He's the only logical choice at this point. "Where the Wild Things Are" proved he can deal with high profile SFX while still keeping the human condition intact.

If he can make an amazing "Where the Wild Things Are" movie, no doubt in my mind that he can make an amazing Spider-Man movie.

4. Get someone who is Peter Parker/Spider-Man

As someone who grew up in the naughties, I would be a goddamn liar if I said I didn't enjoy Sam Raimi's Spider-Man movies (the first two at least). Setting aside knowledge of his Spider-Man films, if one were to look deep into Raimi's filmography, there is more than enough evidence that Sam Raimi would be able to make amazing Spider-Man movies. Not to say that he didn't eventually, but the one thing I felt that really dragged the films down, especially in 2 & 3, was Tobey Maguire.

The horror....the horror....

Sure, he was great in the first one, in fact he perfectly captured the Peter Parker who was slowly adjusting to his newfound powers, but the thing is, he kept that naivete prevalent throughout the rest of the series. Once Peter "fully" becomes Spider-Man, you have to remember that he changes COMPLETELY, not just in physicality alone. The powers make him more confident (not emo spidey confident) and once Peter puts on the costume, he becomes even more confident and witty. Spider-Man has always been quick to crack a joke as he's being crushed by Doc Ock's tentacles. He's been known to make comments about how homo-erotic Shocker's costume looks, anyways, what I'm trying to say is...

SPIDER-MAN IS THE SUPREME WISE ASS, AND EVERYONE WHO HAS WORKED ON THE MOVIES NEEDS TO GET THAT THROUGH THEIR FUCKING HEAD!

I'm sorry...but if you don't have a wise-ass spidey, then you might as well be making a Superman movie or something. Spider-Man's wit is something as integral to the character as Batman's detective skills are integral and Wolverine's Canadian descent is integral. Those traits are what sets the characters apart from most superheroes, and for Spidey, it has got to be the wit. Now, I actually do have one actor in mind who I think can effectively balance awkwardness and wit.

That actor would have to be Michael Cera.

Just kidding :)

Honestly though, it would have to be Anton Yelchin.

He was the best part of "Terminator: Salvation," and he did pretty solid in "Star Trek," but it wasn't his role in those movies that made me think Peter Parker. It was his role in a little overlooked movie entitled "Charlie Bartlett" that made me think, "man....this guy should be Spidey, pronto."

He has the right amount of confidence, he has the look, and if Tobey Maguire can beef up I'm sure this kid won't have a problem doing so.

For my hypothetical Spidey treatment, he would be absolutely perfect in that he can play a teenager and a young adult at the same time. I think he's around my age (20-21ish), but he still looks like he can pull seventeen. He also carries himself in a very mature manner, so the flash-forward scenes would be entirely believable under his reign. "Charlie Bartlett" proved that he can play high school amazingly well.

If Mark Webb happens to see this blog post by some kind of inexplicable anomaly, all I'm going to say is that if you want your Spider-Man reboot to not suck entirely, I suggest you cast Anton.

5. Awesome music score

Now this one's not entirely important, but I think it can lend a helping hand to making this hypothetical Spider-Man movie even more fantastic. So, I'll be frank and say that Danny Elfman's theme from the previous movies were probably my favorite aspect of those films. To me, his "Spider-Man" theme has Spidey's signature in every single motif of the orchestration.

Unfortunately though, our hypothetical film isn't "Superman Returns," so it would be pretty cheap and redundant to say that Danny Elfman should return to score the film.

Instead, we need someone who is capable of making very memorable themes, not electronic, ominous-sounding noises that escalate when an explosion happens.

I didn't have to think hard about this decision, Michael Giacchino (LOST, The Incredibles, Star Trek) would be perfect for this job. I'll just let his music do all the talking.

Closing

So we have a solid story, a talented director, a great actor, and an awesome score. These are the components of a truly amazing Spider-Man movie.

If only the suits at sony were able to see things from my perspective, but already I'm asking too much.

Maybe one day, I'll get a chance to actually write a Spider-Man script and miraculously get Spike Jonze to direct it. (0.0001% chance of happening realistically speaking)

And you true believers, the ones out there who like me who know what would make an amazing Spider-Man movie, you guys have the power to make your pipe dreams true.

And remember....

I'm sorry, had to :)

The Boy Done Wrong Again...

Dear Belle & Sebastian,

My name is Carlo Chavez, I'm twenty (almost twenty-one) years old, and I live in Santa Clarita, CA. I want to start off my letter by saying that I greatly appreciate your music with the highest regards. I firmly believe that your album "If You're Feeling Sinister" is one of the top five best albums of the nineties. It beautifully depicts themes and feelings of happiness, loneliness, being different, etc. The only way I can really describe the album is to say its a sonic rendition of a really good Wes Anderson movie. But with that aside, I want to address my biggest problem with "If You're Feeling Sinister."

I always feel so fucking depressed after listening to it.

I know that you guys probably did not have that particular intent, but I feel like I must really tell you and everyone who may read this why your album generates such an adverse reaction from me. Honestly, I feel that my problems with the album completely comes from myself. It's probably all the memories associated with this album that leads me to start bawling my eyes out each time "Fox in the snow"(track 5) starts. All of a sudden I just get deja vu of a time when I firmly believed that I was close to being truly, unconditionally happy. Your album reminds me of when I was so naive, and ready to give myself up when the opportunity was presented.

I listened to this album again tonight, and by the end of the album, I began to realize that I single-handedly ruined my chance at that happiness. I was too blind on many occasions , and unfortunately it wasn't till now that I started to feel the repercussions of my decisions.

Now, almost two years later, I stand here bitter and semi-miserable.

To not be able to tell a certain great, unique, indvidual my feelings for her is probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my entire life. She may not know it, but this person lent a big helping hand in shaping who I am today, and I owe her a lot just for that alone. While this mistake may have inspired me to be more creatively ambitious, a mistake is a mistake. I know that it is common amongst everyone to learn and benefit from your mistakes, but that doesn't stop you from feeling extreme regret. The song "Mayfly" (track 6) and the last two tracks on the album do nothing but affirm these feelings.

The saddest part is, I honestly do regret my actions to the umpteenth degree. And the only way to numb this regret is to act like a narcissistic, callous asshole in front of the people that surround me. Sure, the reason I act like a jerk half of the time is to merely generate the most awkward response, but honestly I feel like I still affect others negatively even though my overall disposition is nothing but a facade.

I guess the question is, is it wrong to act careless and ignorant even though you're brooding inside?

My answer is that it isn't wrong to be both. It isn't a crime to be cheeky and aimless and at the same time be miserable and self-loathing. The key is to be able to communicate these feelings and to not keep it bottled up inside for so long. I have kept most of my feelings of anguish within for a while. It got up to the point where every time I would see any artifact that would remind me of her, I cursed it and treated it with dread. Thus, me not listening to this album in it's entirety for an entire year. That is, until today.

It still hurts, that hasn't changed. But just writing about my feelings kinda lifts an enormous weight off my chest.

I'm sad, but I'm glad that I feel sad.

I never want to lose touch with my emotions ever again. Whether these emotions be happy or miserable.

So this is why I want to say thank you, at the same time, fuck you Belle & Sebastian. You make me realize that my life is nothing but a horribly-scripted indie comedy that feels staged at each beat, but your wonderful music allows me to give heart to something that may seem heartless.

Sincerely,

me.

P.S. You should really add my fanpage on Facebook. It's really fucking rad.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - A Waste.

I'm a nerd. Everyone knows that.

I have passionately stated my opinions to everyone close to me for a while now, and honestly, I feel that people take my insight on things as fairly irrelevant.

That's fine, saying things like "Jar Jar raped my childhood" or "Blade Runner is the best movie Ridley Scott ever made" is sort of my way of announcing my fanboyisms to the rest of the world. I'm fully aware that no one, outside from a few exceptions and my mom, really care. And it isn't a big deal really. I just need to express my feelings sometimes, sort of how when one is having girl/guy troubles, he/she has this inexplicable feeling to announce it to the world, but in reality, no one cares. It's that sense of acknowledgement that we desperately try to gain from our statements, even though that acknowledgement doesn't exist.

Sort of how, right now, I will tell all of you not to go see Transformers 2, but all of you will go see it anyway. One opinion can't change an entire bevy of opinions, but at least, that one opinion deserves to be seen.

Look, for the record, I'm not a big Transformers fan. I liked the old cartoon, Beast Wars was rad, the toys were fucking dope, but I don't think I ever wen't out of my way to collect or see anything transformers related.

Not like how when Episode III came out, I pleaded my dad to take me to target at 12 AM just to get my grubby little hands on a bunch of Anakin Skywalker and Mace Windu action figures, or the time I forced my friends last year to go to Toys r' Us to get some Indiana Jones toys. I'm saying that the property is cool, but in my eyes, it isn't Star Wars, Batman, Spider-Man, or even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cool.

If I see a cool transformers doo-hickey, I'll probably get it just for the fact that it's A.) a car that transforms into a robot and B.) it shoots those projectile things that are way fucking rad.

Point is, I lack passion when it comes to Optimus Prime and his gang. I love the character of Prime, and the rest of G1 gang, but it's not the same passion I hold for the Skywalker clan or the McFly clan. I'm not a T-Formers geek (though I have an autobot shirt, which I got merely for its pop-culture relevance.)

Taking all of this into account, there's something about TF2 that really, really ticks me off.

I thought that the 1st Transformers film was mediocre; it had the promise of being one of the better summer blockbuster films of the decade which was unfortunately bogged down by Michael Bay's over-the-top sense of humor.

But hey, it's Michael Bay, and in all honesty, it was slightly better than the Michael Bay-directed Transformers I envisioned.

The Michael Bay-directed Transformers I envisioned had:

- Lots of unnecessary exposition from serious military guys

- Multiple shots with the American flag flowing in the background for no good reason

- at least one transformer who acted like the stereotypical black man

- 200 explosions

- Fart and pee jokes

- At least three 360-degree panning shots

- Almost-naked girls parading around in the background for the entire film

- GM Cars

- Lens Flare

- Steve Buscemi

- Shitty plot threads and zero character development

The first one achieved about half of that, meaning that Bay was on a leash (probably Spielberg's leash), but even with the leash on, many Bay-isms still poured into the first movie, and it was those Bay-isms that ended up being the downfall of that movie.

When the first teaser for TF2 arrived, I had quietly hoped that Bay was aiming for something that was darker and more serious than the first. I was pretty ignorant to hope that, since, Bay never ever explores deep meanings or relevant themes in his movies. Well...

Except for the Island. The Island wasn't the best movie character development wise, but it's plot was interesting. There were some bits and pieces of good Sci-Fi thrown into the movie.

So was it wrong for me to expect that with TF2, Bay learned his mistakes from both the first Transformers and The Island. Maybe, from the looks of that first trailer, he learned to combine high-octane, well-choreographed action, with solid Sci-Fi themes. I thought that maybe he would show us what makes a Transformer tick, a closer look at civilization on Cybertron before it was destroyed, the rivalry dynamic between Optimus and Megatron, the team dynamics of the autobots, an exploration of the tug-of-war relationship dynamic between Megatron and Starscream....you catch my drift?

It turns out, that yes, it was wrong for me to expect all of that from one teaser alone. The other trailers came out, and it seemed that my initial vision of Michael Bay-directed Transformers movie was incredibly close to fruition.

Today, I can honestly say that my initial vision only pales in comparison to what Bay-isms are present in this film. Calling this movie a "Transformers" movie seems almost irrelevant.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a Michael Bay movie.

In the worst sense possible.

This movie is the perfect example of a society that doesn't depend on intellectual stimuli to properly gauge the amount of entertainment needed to satisfy. This movie has no motive, no goal, and no message.

It has a vision though, and it's a vision of decadence and wrecklessness. In other words; it doesn't give a shit.

Michael Bay has made a waste of celluloid that won't just offend Transformers nerds, but everyone in general. I kid you the fuck not.

If you like movies in general, you won't see this. It's a slap in the face to the movies that actually try to make an effort to be good.

Unfortunately, for many of you who may be reading this, you won't care and just see it anyway.

I don't know...

I really don't know......

Those four words aren't probably the best way to start off an essay (let alone a blog), but regardless, those four words hold a lot of significance to what I'm about to say. 

For about the entirety of my 20-year residence on the planet earth, I can honestly say that I have never made a concrete decision on my own terms. Yes, I have made decisions, but they always have been under some sort of pretense. There was always an ultimatum or consequence involved, hence forcing me into a position that would utterly get a final decision out of me. But, in my perspective, I have never made a decision that I wanted to make. Unfortunately, I heavily rely on my peers' opinions on everyday decisions, and yes, I view this as a character flaw on my part. 

Tonight, though, that will hopefully change (somewhat).

As I mentioned earlier, my lack of decision making skills is a character flaw that I possess, but it's only one out of several character flaws that exist within every fiber of my being. Another major character flaw I possess is clumsiness.

Oh, clumsiness....

From the very beginning of time, God blessed me with the inability of all three stooges put together. I try to control it, for me it's like a disease that renders me unfavorable to the rest of the world. I view it like a big, juicy, red, fat pimple that can be never popped.

In other words...I hate my clumsiness....more so than my inability to make decisions...

By now, many of you have probably tuned out, some of you are probably still reading for some reason (I don't know why, but you are). Well, if you fall in the latter category, then here's some examples of what you might be thinking to yourself:

"What the fuck is Carlo trying to say, did he start with the edibles again???"

"Just skip the bullshit, and start complaining about ('insert girl name here')."

"This is probably one, giant penis joke."

Unfortunately, none of that have nothing to do with the point I may or may not make. See, clumsiness, no matter how much I hate it, still plays an important part in this story....

....In the sense that Jar Jar Binks was clumsy. 

See, I hate Jar Jar Binks because he's so clumsy and inept, and his character is so clumsily written, and I'm a clumsy writer too because I'm so clumsy in general, and I hate the fact that I'm clumsy myself, and it's because of this that I hate 'The Phantom Menace" because it's so clumsily made.

Or do I really...That is the question, isn't it? Do I hate "The Phantom Menace" or not? It's sort of been a question I've pondered for a long time. And it's that very question that is the driving force of this blog.

And it's my current stance on 'The Phantom Menace" that perfectly exemplifies my inability to make decisions.

To solve this conundrum, I think we may have to go way back to the beginning:

December 1998: I saw this trailer when I just turned ten, and I think I peed my pants three times over:

Flash forward to May 1999:

"The Phantom Menace" opens, and I have no fucking idea on how to use the internet.

This is a good thing. It's this inability to use the net that barrs me from checking out websites like "Aint it Cool News," thus enabling to watch the movie free of sin. The hype though, I was as hyped as any of the thirty-something year-old dickwads who treated the Original Trilogy as it was the word of the Holy Spirit himself.

These were the guys who were willing to spit at the movie if the movie itself gravely affected the very sanctity of continuity (which it did, thus the spitting.)

Me, on the other hand, all I wanted was a theatrical experience that was as magical as when I first saw the 97' edition of Episode IV on the big screen.

And, even as a young, witless, 10-year old child, I knew that when I first saw "Menace," it just wasn't the same. You could say that I felt very indifferent towards the movie, but for a while, I hid my indifference. I pretended to like the movie, so much to the point I was convinced that I actually did like it.

Until the aftermath of "Attack of the Clones."

A year after that CGI shit sandwich of a movie, my vehement diatribes against the still-incomplete prequel trilogy started. I would go on Star Wars forums and join my brethren; we would spread our hatred for all thing that were Ep. I and Ep. II. Ironically though, these were the same forums I used to check on Ep. III spoilers, but no one but the few friends I had in actual reality knew.

Then when "Revenge of the Sith" came out, I tried to change my overview on "Menace." Being the gutless fanboy I am, I bought both prequels on DVD to satisfy my urges. I haven't seen "Menace" all the way through since the year 2000, and it was 2005 at that point. 5 years without any "meesa bantha poo doo" nonsense. 

In that 5 year interval, I had seen so many movies that I had the ability to recognize a film not solely for its strength or its fault, but both. Sure I still had my biases, but I promised myself that the next time I saw "Menace," I would recognize both its strengths and faults.

I tried, I really did...

Fucking Jar-Jar......I couldn't oversee this....this monstrosity of a fictitious character.

I appreciated the pod racing scene a little more, the lightsaber duel is one of the best in the series, and Darth Maul is the epitome of bad-ass, but still....fucking Jar-Jar (and on a smaller note, Jake Lloyd's acting) deterred this potential masterpiece into one big fucking wasted opportunity.

It wasn't till yesterday that I realized, why does this single, unnecessary character effect the entire movie for me and the rest of the geek collective?

And it wasn't till earlier today I realized why this is. I know that there is a small collective of people who somewhat like this movie. That's fine, and I don't think what I'm about to say really applies to them (Those of you part of that collective can still read on if you want to, just saying.)

Many geeks like myself hate Episode I and the character of Jar-Jar so much because Jar-Jar isn't a parody of the comedic sidekick like Lucas wants us to believe....

Jar-Jar is a parody of me.

Jar-Jar is a parody of Harry Knowles

Jar-Jar is a parody of even Bill Gates to some extent.

Jar-Jar is a parody of us geeks....maybe not intentionally, but I strongly believe that many geeks do think that. He is the computer-generated realization of  archetypical geeky character flaws (bumbling, oblivious, cowardly, clumsy), and although the character is shown in a positive light, I'm sure geeks were offended that this character who is supposed to be a celebration of all things geeky is merely reduced to a second rate character. 

If you even want to go further, the plight of Jar-Jar pretty much represents the plight of this entire movie. The movie was supposed to be a celebration of why this saga was the best, but in the end it fell apart due to second-rate direction.

This is why I hate Jar-Jar.

This is why I can never fully enjoy "The Phantom Menace."

At least till they release all six movies on Blu-Ray.

And this is why I'm deciding that I can never make a decision

How Carlo Spent His Thursday Vacation

"Insert Title Here #1"

Ok. Instead of wasting time introducing myself and my favorite hobbies, I'm just going to lay it all down for you in a matter of one sentence.


My name is Carlo 5000, and I'm a cyborg fueled by the unobtainable power of awesome.





Also, I love Saved By The Bell: The New Class:

when I wake up in the morning, something something something something, I just can't get to school right on time...




Now...





You heard the man....