Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - A Waste.

I'm a nerd. Everyone knows that.

I have passionately stated my opinions to everyone close to me for a while now, and honestly, I feel that people take my insight on things as fairly irrelevant.

That's fine, saying things like "Jar Jar raped my childhood" or "Blade Runner is the best movie Ridley Scott ever made" is sort of my way of announcing my fanboyisms to the rest of the world. I'm fully aware that no one, outside from a few exceptions and my mom, really care. And it isn't a big deal really. I just need to express my feelings sometimes, sort of how when one is having girl/guy troubles, he/she has this inexplicable feeling to announce it to the world, but in reality, no one cares. It's that sense of acknowledgement that we desperately try to gain from our statements, even though that acknowledgement doesn't exist.

Sort of how, right now, I will tell all of you not to go see Transformers 2, but all of you will go see it anyway. One opinion can't change an entire bevy of opinions, but at least, that one opinion deserves to be seen.

Look, for the record, I'm not a big Transformers fan. I liked the old cartoon, Beast Wars was rad, the toys were fucking dope, but I don't think I ever wen't out of my way to collect or see anything transformers related.

Not like how when Episode III came out, I pleaded my dad to take me to target at 12 AM just to get my grubby little hands on a bunch of Anakin Skywalker and Mace Windu action figures, or the time I forced my friends last year to go to Toys r' Us to get some Indiana Jones toys. I'm saying that the property is cool, but in my eyes, it isn't Star Wars, Batman, Spider-Man, or even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cool.

If I see a cool transformers doo-hickey, I'll probably get it just for the fact that it's A.) a car that transforms into a robot and B.) it shoots those projectile things that are way fucking rad.

Point is, I lack passion when it comes to Optimus Prime and his gang. I love the character of Prime, and the rest of G1 gang, but it's not the same passion I hold for the Skywalker clan or the McFly clan. I'm not a T-Formers geek (though I have an autobot shirt, which I got merely for its pop-culture relevance.)

Taking all of this into account, there's something about TF2 that really, really ticks me off.

I thought that the 1st Transformers film was mediocre; it had the promise of being one of the better summer blockbuster films of the decade which was unfortunately bogged down by Michael Bay's over-the-top sense of humor.

But hey, it's Michael Bay, and in all honesty, it was slightly better than the Michael Bay-directed Transformers I envisioned.

The Michael Bay-directed Transformers I envisioned had:

- Lots of unnecessary exposition from serious military guys

- Multiple shots with the American flag flowing in the background for no good reason

- at least one transformer who acted like the stereotypical black man

- 200 explosions

- Fart and pee jokes

- At least three 360-degree panning shots

- Almost-naked girls parading around in the background for the entire film

- GM Cars

- Lens Flare

- Steve Buscemi

- Shitty plot threads and zero character development

The first one achieved about half of that, meaning that Bay was on a leash (probably Spielberg's leash), but even with the leash on, many Bay-isms still poured into the first movie, and it was those Bay-isms that ended up being the downfall of that movie.

When the first teaser for TF2 arrived, I had quietly hoped that Bay was aiming for something that was darker and more serious than the first. I was pretty ignorant to hope that, since, Bay never ever explores deep meanings or relevant themes in his movies. Well...

Except for the Island. The Island wasn't the best movie character development wise, but it's plot was interesting. There were some bits and pieces of good Sci-Fi thrown into the movie.

So was it wrong for me to expect that with TF2, Bay learned his mistakes from both the first Transformers and The Island. Maybe, from the looks of that first trailer, he learned to combine high-octane, well-choreographed action, with solid Sci-Fi themes. I thought that maybe he would show us what makes a Transformer tick, a closer look at civilization on Cybertron before it was destroyed, the rivalry dynamic between Optimus and Megatron, the team dynamics of the autobots, an exploration of the tug-of-war relationship dynamic between Megatron and Starscream....you catch my drift?

It turns out, that yes, it was wrong for me to expect all of that from one teaser alone. The other trailers came out, and it seemed that my initial vision of Michael Bay-directed Transformers movie was incredibly close to fruition.

Today, I can honestly say that my initial vision only pales in comparison to what Bay-isms are present in this film. Calling this movie a "Transformers" movie seems almost irrelevant.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a Michael Bay movie.

In the worst sense possible.

This movie is the perfect example of a society that doesn't depend on intellectual stimuli to properly gauge the amount of entertainment needed to satisfy. This movie has no motive, no goal, and no message.

It has a vision though, and it's a vision of decadence and wrecklessness. In other words; it doesn't give a shit.

Michael Bay has made a waste of celluloid that won't just offend Transformers nerds, but everyone in general. I kid you the fuck not.

If you like movies in general, you won't see this. It's a slap in the face to the movies that actually try to make an effort to be good.

Unfortunately, for many of you who may be reading this, you won't care and just see it anyway.

I don't know...

I really don't know......

Those four words aren't probably the best way to start off an essay (let alone a blog), but regardless, those four words hold a lot of significance to what I'm about to say. 

For about the entirety of my 20-year residence on the planet earth, I can honestly say that I have never made a concrete decision on my own terms. Yes, I have made decisions, but they always have been under some sort of pretense. There was always an ultimatum or consequence involved, hence forcing me into a position that would utterly get a final decision out of me. But, in my perspective, I have never made a decision that I wanted to make. Unfortunately, I heavily rely on my peers' opinions on everyday decisions, and yes, I view this as a character flaw on my part. 

Tonight, though, that will hopefully change (somewhat).

As I mentioned earlier, my lack of decision making skills is a character flaw that I possess, but it's only one out of several character flaws that exist within every fiber of my being. Another major character flaw I possess is clumsiness.

Oh, clumsiness....

From the very beginning of time, God blessed me with the inability of all three stooges put together. I try to control it, for me it's like a disease that renders me unfavorable to the rest of the world. I view it like a big, juicy, red, fat pimple that can be never popped.

In other words...I hate my clumsiness....more so than my inability to make decisions...

By now, many of you have probably tuned out, some of you are probably still reading for some reason (I don't know why, but you are). Well, if you fall in the latter category, then here's some examples of what you might be thinking to yourself:

"What the fuck is Carlo trying to say, did he start with the edibles again???"

"Just skip the bullshit, and start complaining about ('insert girl name here')."

"This is probably one, giant penis joke."

Unfortunately, none of that have nothing to do with the point I may or may not make. See, clumsiness, no matter how much I hate it, still plays an important part in this story....

....In the sense that Jar Jar Binks was clumsy. 

See, I hate Jar Jar Binks because he's so clumsy and inept, and his character is so clumsily written, and I'm a clumsy writer too because I'm so clumsy in general, and I hate the fact that I'm clumsy myself, and it's because of this that I hate 'The Phantom Menace" because it's so clumsily made.

Or do I really...That is the question, isn't it? Do I hate "The Phantom Menace" or not? It's sort of been a question I've pondered for a long time. And it's that very question that is the driving force of this blog.

And it's my current stance on 'The Phantom Menace" that perfectly exemplifies my inability to make decisions.

To solve this conundrum, I think we may have to go way back to the beginning:

December 1998: I saw this trailer when I just turned ten, and I think I peed my pants three times over:

Flash forward to May 1999:

"The Phantom Menace" opens, and I have no fucking idea on how to use the internet.

This is a good thing. It's this inability to use the net that barrs me from checking out websites like "Aint it Cool News," thus enabling to watch the movie free of sin. The hype though, I was as hyped as any of the thirty-something year-old dickwads who treated the Original Trilogy as it was the word of the Holy Spirit himself.

These were the guys who were willing to spit at the movie if the movie itself gravely affected the very sanctity of continuity (which it did, thus the spitting.)

Me, on the other hand, all I wanted was a theatrical experience that was as magical as when I first saw the 97' edition of Episode IV on the big screen.

And, even as a young, witless, 10-year old child, I knew that when I first saw "Menace," it just wasn't the same. You could say that I felt very indifferent towards the movie, but for a while, I hid my indifference. I pretended to like the movie, so much to the point I was convinced that I actually did like it.

Until the aftermath of "Attack of the Clones."

A year after that CGI shit sandwich of a movie, my vehement diatribes against the still-incomplete prequel trilogy started. I would go on Star Wars forums and join my brethren; we would spread our hatred for all thing that were Ep. I and Ep. II. Ironically though, these were the same forums I used to check on Ep. III spoilers, but no one but the few friends I had in actual reality knew.

Then when "Revenge of the Sith" came out, I tried to change my overview on "Menace." Being the gutless fanboy I am, I bought both prequels on DVD to satisfy my urges. I haven't seen "Menace" all the way through since the year 2000, and it was 2005 at that point. 5 years without any "meesa bantha poo doo" nonsense. 

In that 5 year interval, I had seen so many movies that I had the ability to recognize a film not solely for its strength or its fault, but both. Sure I still had my biases, but I promised myself that the next time I saw "Menace," I would recognize both its strengths and faults.

I tried, I really did...

Fucking Jar-Jar......I couldn't oversee this....this monstrosity of a fictitious character.

I appreciated the pod racing scene a little more, the lightsaber duel is one of the best in the series, and Darth Maul is the epitome of bad-ass, but still....fucking Jar-Jar (and on a smaller note, Jake Lloyd's acting) deterred this potential masterpiece into one big fucking wasted opportunity.

It wasn't till yesterday that I realized, why does this single, unnecessary character effect the entire movie for me and the rest of the geek collective?

And it wasn't till earlier today I realized why this is. I know that there is a small collective of people who somewhat like this movie. That's fine, and I don't think what I'm about to say really applies to them (Those of you part of that collective can still read on if you want to, just saying.)

Many geeks like myself hate Episode I and the character of Jar-Jar so much because Jar-Jar isn't a parody of the comedic sidekick like Lucas wants us to believe....

Jar-Jar is a parody of me.

Jar-Jar is a parody of Harry Knowles

Jar-Jar is a parody of even Bill Gates to some extent.

Jar-Jar is a parody of us geeks....maybe not intentionally, but I strongly believe that many geeks do think that. He is the computer-generated realization of  archetypical geeky character flaws (bumbling, oblivious, cowardly, clumsy), and although the character is shown in a positive light, I'm sure geeks were offended that this character who is supposed to be a celebration of all things geeky is merely reduced to a second rate character. 

If you even want to go further, the plight of Jar-Jar pretty much represents the plight of this entire movie. The movie was supposed to be a celebration of why this saga was the best, but in the end it fell apart due to second-rate direction.

This is why I hate Jar-Jar.

This is why I can never fully enjoy "The Phantom Menace."

At least till they release all six movies on Blu-Ray.

And this is why I'm deciding that I can never make a decision