Hollywood is retarded.
I'm sure all of you know that by now. And I've never really complained about it until this moment. This moment being the time that one of my favorite creative properties of all time is in heavy risk of being dejected to the sub-par quality of other cliched licenses, and quite frankly, I would die before I see a Spider-Man movie get the Twilight treatment.
So today, I would like to set aside the bitching though, and actually propose a loose solution to the Spidey enigma. I'm going to layout the groundwork to what potentially may be a fine quality Spider-Man movie.
"The Amazing Spider-Man, A James Cameron film..."
Anyways, enough of the fluff, let's get right to it:
1. Skip the Origin, Get to The Point
'The Incredible Hulk" wasn't a good movie, it wasn't a terrible movie either. All in all, it was very forgettable, but it did do one thing pretty right. It rightfully rebooted the universe by condensing the origin story into a five-minute credit sequence. If done right, the same formula could be easily applicable to our friendly-neighborhood wall crawler. It needs to be stylized though in a sense it would give the viewer a very clear and specific understanding that this is the Spider-Man universe we're dealing with. An excellent example of this would be the opening credits of "Watchmen," which by far is probably the most engaging opening credits I've ever seen on the silver screen.
2. Draw from more Spider-Man stories, not just the ones written by Stan Lee or Brian Michael Bendis
Not that there's anything wrong with those guys, as they did give us the best Spider-Man stories ever.
But here's the deal,
One of the many key reasons 'The Dark Knight" worked was that it didn't just draw from Bob Kane's stuff or Frank Miller's, both Chris and Jonathan Nolan looked deep into the Caped Crusader's bibliography and drew from the best, one notable story being "The Long Halloween" by Jeph Loeb. Now Spider-Man also has a very, very extensive bibliography. "Kraven's Last Hunt" and the Sin Eater story line would work great as action and suspense movies respectively. But if you want to beat "The Dark Knight," action may just not be enough. One would have to reach deep and find the stories that would define ol' webhead the most.
For me, the most logical way to approach the story of a potential Spider-Man reboot is to make a standalone feature that would combine the stories of The Death of Gwen Stacy and "Spider-Man: Blue."
For those of you not in the know, "Spider-Man: Blue" is written by Jeph Loeb (same dude who wrote "Batman: The Long Halloween") and it starts off with a slightly older Peter Parker chronicling how he first fell in love with Gwen Stacy while at the same time facing Kraven: The Hunter and the Sinister Six. Now, many people have been vocal about how they don't want Spidey back in high school, and the studios have been pretty vocal about how they want Spidey back in high school. I think that my little plan could be fool-proof in the sense that it would satisfly the fans since the movie would begin and end with Peter being older, and it would satisfy the studios since the movie would potentially take place in high school most of the time. But the real draw is that, by replacing the silly sinister six story with The Green Goblin being up to no good and kidnapping Gwen Stacy, eventually leading to her demise, this would create drama that would elevate the current idea of Spider-Man movies into something more. Plus, if executed right, this story will bring fans to tears, as they would see the most beloved Spider-Man story done well on the silver screen. The movie will be successful on that note alone. This story may sound a little melodramatic on page, but trust me kids, this can be the good kind of drama very easily.
It's the kind of drama that wins prestigious awards. It's the kind of drama that kicks "The Dark Knight" square in the ass.
3. Getting the right director
So, let's get down what we have so far, we have a solution to the origin problem, we have a very solid idea for a good story, now let's get a very solid director.
But before we proceed, if a genie were to somehow magically appear before me right now and were to offer me a completely unrealistic option to ideally choose who should direct my Spider-Man movie idea, I'd say early eighties Steven Spielberg would be the absolute perfect choice. Only early eighties Spielberg would be able to perfectly mix heart, drama, and action into something truly amazing.
Unfortunately, genies don't exist nor do miracles.
Since early eighties Spielberg has been missing since "Temple of Doom," we have to find a more contemporary suitor to our budding project. Those who haven't been reading the news will be mildly shocked to know that Marc Webb, who most recently directed "500 days of summer" and a slew of Green Day music videos has been tapped by the gestapos at sony to direct the Spider-Man reboot.
Okay. That's cool. But here's the deal, I've seen "500 days" and it's a really good mainstream indie movie, much better than Juno, and his music videos are very entertaining but Spidey needs more than just a guy who can make Zooey Deschanel into a heartless bitch. Spidey needs an auteur, someone with a specific vision, someone who's passionate about the source material, someone who would understand what makes Spider-Man amazing.
James Cameron would be great, but I want a Spider-Man movie within the next 5 years, not the next 20. Plus, environmentalist messages and blue people sexing don't exactly jive with the wall-crawler.
Wes Anderson would make all the swinging sequences all stop-motiony and the rest of the movie would be slow-motion long takes of Peter Parker smoking a cigarette as "Heroes" by David Bowie plays in the background.
Quentin Tarentino would have him fight nazis with a samurai sword and an afro as he talks about why "Game of Death" is the most important kung-fu movie ever committed to film.
Kevin Smith would have him talk with Harry Osbourne about how MJ sucked nine dicks and how his asshole can shoot out webbing as he hangs upside-down at the Quick Stop, which by the way would be all achieved using a single Upper-Medium shot.
Yup. None of those directors would work.
Plus safe choices such as Alfonso Cuaron or Guillermo Del Toro, two directors who know fantasy action like the back of their hand, are definitely capable of making an awesome Spider-Man movie. Thing is, a director needs to be a little gutsy with the source material, and both Del Toro and Cuaron would opt for something a little bit more traditional.
The hypothetical treatment I made up earlier is gutsy in the sense it doesn't start with Spidey fighting Electro or Spidey swinging as he talks about life. No, it starts off with Peter Parker in his room talking to a tape recorder, as he refers to the tape recorder as his dead girlfriend.
The only person I can think of, the only person who I know can effectively balance fantasy and the cold truth of life, the only person who can make the "Peter Parker talking to a tape recorder" situation feel honest and right is....
Spike Jonze.
He's the only logical choice at this point. "Where the Wild Things Are" proved he can deal with high profile SFX while still keeping the human condition intact.
If he can make an amazing "Where the Wild Things Are" movie, no doubt in my mind that he can make an amazing Spider-Man movie.
4. Get someone who is Peter Parker/Spider-Man
As someone who grew up in the naughties, I would be a goddamn liar if I said I didn't enjoy Sam Raimi's Spider-Man movies (the first two at least). Setting aside knowledge of his Spider-Man films, if one were to look deep into Raimi's filmography, there is more than enough evidence that Sam Raimi would be able to make amazing Spider-Man movies. Not to say that he didn't eventually, but the one thing I felt that really dragged the films down, especially in 2 & 3, was Tobey Maguire.
The horror....the horror....
Sure, he was great in the first one, in fact he perfectly captured the Peter Parker who was slowly adjusting to his newfound powers, but the thing is, he kept that naivete prevalent throughout the rest of the series. Once Peter "fully" becomes Spider-Man, you have to remember that he changes COMPLETELY, not just in physicality alone. The powers make him more confident (not emo spidey confident) and once Peter puts on the costume, he becomes even more confident and witty. Spider-Man has always been quick to crack a joke as he's being crushed by Doc Ock's tentacles. He's been known to make comments about how homo-erotic Shocker's costume looks, anyways, what I'm trying to say is...
SPIDER-MAN IS THE SUPREME WISE ASS, AND EVERYONE WHO HAS WORKED ON THE MOVIES NEEDS TO GET THAT THROUGH THEIR FUCKING HEAD!
I'm sorry...but if you don't have a wise-ass spidey, then you might as well be making a Superman movie or something. Spider-Man's wit is something as integral to the character as Batman's detective skills are integral and Wolverine's Canadian descent is integral. Those traits are what sets the characters apart from most superheroes, and for Spidey, it has got to be the wit. Now, I actually do have one actor in mind who I think can effectively balance awkwardness and wit.
That actor would have to be Michael Cera.
Honestly though, it would have to be Anton Yelchin.
He was the best part of "Terminator: Salvation," and he did pretty solid in "Star Trek," but it wasn't his role in those movies that made me think Peter Parker. It was his role in a little overlooked movie entitled "Charlie Bartlett" that made me think, "man....this guy should be Spidey, pronto."
He has the right amount of confidence, he has the look, and if Tobey Maguire can beef up I'm sure this kid won't have a problem doing so.
For my hypothetical Spidey treatment, he would be absolutely perfect in that he can play a teenager and a young adult at the same time. I think he's around my age (20-21ish), but he still looks like he can pull seventeen. He also carries himself in a very mature manner, so the flash-forward scenes would be entirely believable under his reign. "Charlie Bartlett" proved that he can play high school amazingly well.
If Mark Webb happens to see this blog post by some kind of inexplicable anomaly, all I'm going to say is that if you want your Spider-Man reboot to not suck entirely, I suggest you cast Anton.
5. Awesome music score
Now this one's not entirely important, but I think it can lend a helping hand to making this hypothetical Spider-Man movie even more fantastic. So, I'll be frank and say that Danny Elfman's theme from the previous movies were probably my favorite aspect of those films. To me, his "Spider-Man" theme has Spidey's signature in every single motif of the orchestration.
Unfortunately though, our hypothetical film isn't "Superman Returns," so it would be pretty cheap and redundant to say that Danny Elfman should return to score the film.
Instead, we need someone who is capable of making very memorable themes, not electronic, ominous-sounding noises that escalate when an explosion happens.
I didn't have to think hard about this decision, Michael Giacchino (LOST, The Incredibles, Star Trek) would be perfect for this job. I'll just let his music do all the talking.
Closing
So we have a solid story, a talented director, a great actor, and an awesome score. These are the components of a truly amazing Spider-Man movie.
If only the suits at sony were able to see things from my perspective, but already I'm asking too much.
Maybe one day, I'll get a chance to actually write a Spider-Man script and miraculously get Spike Jonze to direct it. (0.0001% chance of happening realistically speaking)
And you true believers, the ones out there who like me who know what would make an amazing Spider-Man movie, you guys have the power to make your pipe dreams true.
And remember....
I'm sorry, had to :)
