My name is Carlo Chavez, I'm twenty (almost twenty-one) years old, and I live in Santa Clarita, CA. I want to start off my letter by saying that I greatly appreciate your music with the highest regards. I firmly believe that your album "If You're Feeling Sinister" is one of the top five best albums of the nineties. It beautifully depicts themes and feelings of happiness, loneliness, being different, etc. The only way I can really describe the album is to say its a sonic rendition of a really good Wes Anderson movie. But with that aside, I want to address my biggest problem with "If You're Feeling Sinister."
I always feel so fucking depressed after listening to it.
I know that you guys probably did not have that particular intent, but I feel like I must really tell you and everyone who may read this why your album generates such an adverse reaction from me. Honestly, I feel that my problems with the album completely comes from myself. It's probably all the memories associated with this album that leads me to start bawling my eyes out each time "Fox in the snow"(track 5) starts. All of a sudden I just get deja vu of a time when I firmly believed that I was close to being truly, unconditionally happy. Your album reminds me of when I was so naive, and ready to give myself up when the opportunity was presented.
I listened to this album again tonight, and by the end of the album, I began to realize that I single-handedly ruined my chance at that happiness. I was too blind on many occasions , and unfortunately it wasn't till now that I started to feel the repercussions of my decisions.
Now, almost two years later, I stand here bitter and semi-miserable.
To not be able to tell a certain great, unique, indvidual my feelings for her is probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my entire life. She may not know it, but this person lent a big helping hand in shaping who I am today, and I owe her a lot just for that alone. While this mistake may have inspired me to be more creatively ambitious, a mistake is a mistake. I know that it is common amongst everyone to learn and benefit from your mistakes, but that doesn't stop you from feeling extreme regret. The song "Mayfly" (track 6) and the last two tracks on the album do nothing but affirm these feelings.
The saddest part is, I honestly do regret my actions to the umpteenth degree. And the only way to numb this regret is to act like a narcissistic, callous asshole in front of the people that surround me. Sure, the reason I act like a jerk half of the time is to merely generate the most awkward response, but honestly I feel like I still affect others negatively even though my overall disposition is nothing but a facade.
I guess the question is, is it wrong to act careless and ignorant even though you're brooding inside?
My answer is that it isn't wrong to be both. It isn't a crime to be cheeky and aimless and at the same time be miserable and self-loathing. The key is to be able to communicate these feelings and to not keep it bottled up inside for so long. I have kept most of my feelings of anguish within for a while. It got up to the point where every time I would see any artifact that would remind me of her, I cursed it and treated it with dread. Thus, me not listening to this album in it's entirety for an entire year. That is, until today.
It still hurts, that hasn't changed. But just writing about my feelings kinda lifts an enormous weight off my chest.
I'm sad, but I'm glad that I feel sad.
I never want to lose touch with my emotions ever again. Whether these emotions be happy or miserable.
So this is why I want to say thank you, at the same time, fuck you Belle & Sebastian. You make me realize that my life is nothing but a horribly-scripted indie comedy that feels staged at each beat, but your wonderful music allows me to give heart to something that may seem heartless.
Sincerely,
me.
P.S. You should really add my fanpage on Facebook. It's really fucking rad.
